i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
