I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
