Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
