dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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