is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
she smelled like a LAN party
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
