Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
