we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
