Me too!
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
