I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You dont lie about slip and slides
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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