so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
