please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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