So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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