So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
