tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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