Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
