**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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