I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
