I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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