You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
