My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
