you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
