went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize