this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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