I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
