Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
