ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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