Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
