her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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