he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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