You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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