Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
