My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
