Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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