Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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