I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
