I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
