i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
