You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
