I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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