If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
