Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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