I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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