I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
