just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Randomize