I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
You don't make any sense
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