I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
