p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
