Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
