And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Randomize
