this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize