I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize