Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
