You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
