last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
