woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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