just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
