I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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