i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
