I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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