I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
