Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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