If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I came so hard my ears popped.
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